Nothing about Scott Gill's life is most likely normal
Но AFTERELTON написал просто охуенейшый крековый пересказ первой серии, я давно так не ржала!
"Torchwood" in Ten Minutes: "Miracle Day" Episode One
читать дальшеEvery Teevee Everywhere
Newscaster: Hello, Torchwood fans! Remember how grossed out so many of you guys were when we last left Captain Jack Harkness because of how he sacrificed his grandson to those aliens? Well, we’re going to kick off this series with something to make you forget that silly little offense. Oswald Danes is about to be executed for raping and murdering a 12-year-old girl. Still not sufficiently disgusted? At his trial he told the jury she should have run faster.
Execution Squad
Executioner: Oswald Danes, would you like to do anything to creep us out more than what that newscaster just exposited?
Oswald Danes: [Lifts his head up and stares at the mother of the child he raped]
Executioner: That’ll do it. AVADA KEDAVRA!
Oswald Danes: Misfired your Unforgivable Curse, bro. That felt like Cruciatus to me. Further proof: I’m totally still alive.
Langley, VA
Esther Drummond: Ever heard of Torchwood?
Random CIA Analyst: Touch wood?
Fandom: [Giggles]
Esther Drummond: No, Torchwood. Rex, are you sure it’s a good idea for you to be talking to me on your cell phone while driving like a maniac in a monsoon?
Rex Matheson: Whatever. There’s a lot to cover in this episode, so let’s just get this out of the way: I’m an asshole. I’m ecstatic because Agent Whatshisface’s wife has leukemia, which means I’m going to get his job. It’ll be almost as almost as awesome as that time I punched a baby in the face on ER.
Steel poles: STFU, dude. Seriously.
Ironic Emergency Room of Ironies
Rex: [Bleeds the way you do when steel poles are poking out of your heart]
Doctors: Crazy how no one has died tonight, right?
Across the Pond
The Welsh coastline: [Is stunning]
Rhys Williams: Not even lesbians could make a commune as charming as this one. I love it here.
Gwen Cooper: It’s been 759 days, 13 hours, and 41 minutes since my hands have felt the sensuous touch of a cold, steel firearm. Sometimes I think of choosing one, any one, out of our weapons stockpile and firing at you, just for giggles.
Rhys: What’s that, darling?
Gwen: Just talking to myself about radishes, like f--king always.
Helicopter: [Circles sinisterly.]
Gwen: Oh, please be someone I can shoot. Please be someone I can shoot.
Rhys: It’s not someone you can shoot.
Once Upon a Time
Gwen: [Feeds radish cereal to her baby.] … another time, there was this sex-crazed alien that was powered by orgasms! It was inhabiting human female bodies and banging everyone in sight. And I do mean everyone. Of course, your mum’s no prude. I made out with her in one of the Torchwood holding cells. I was just reaching for her —
Rhys: You promised no more Torchwood stories!
Intruders: [Knock at the door.]
Gwen: [Air punches. Launches herself at WMD closet.]
Intruders: [Pretend not to be intruders.]
Gwen: [Sulks.]
Back Across the Pond
Dr. Vera Juarez: Are you waiting on Rex Mattheson? Even under anesthesia he doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would have any friends.
Esther: Yeah, I have an inexplicable crush on him. Probably because I haven’t met Captain Jack Harkness yet.
Dr. Vera: I think that is a truth for every person, of every sexual orientation, in every universe, everywhere on the space-time continuum. The good news is that Rex is alive, super alive, like everyone else at every other hospital all over the world. Even Seattle Grace didn’t kill anyone today, and you know what a clusterf--k that place is.
Special Report
Newscasters: Miracle Day, Miracle Day, Miracle Day, Miracle Day, Miracle Day.
Kentucky Prison for Incurably Criminal Monsters
Governor's Assistant: You are going to stay in prison.
Oswald Danes: You obviously have not seen the trailer for this mini-series.
Zombie Ward
Rex: If you thought I was jackass before, wait'll you get a load of me now that my heart's bleeding through my pajamas.
Dr. Vera: Near death experiences usually make people nicer.
Rex: Not me. I am the worst.
More Langley
CIA Analyst: Torchwood isn't Google-able anymore, which is kinda weird, right?
Esther: I wonder if the word still exists on paper.
CIA Analyst: What's ... paper?
CYMRU
Welsh Tourism Board: No, really, this is better than when they filmed in Cardiff.
Rhys: Do you think I'm cooler than Amy Pond's superfluous husband, even though he got to wear a centurion outfit one time?
Gwen: I don't think anyone will even notice you when my cleavage and Welsh accent are out in full force like this.
Emergency phone: [Rings]
Gwen: Yes! Someone's died! We can finally leave this Godforsaken place!
Rhys: Gwen, I asked you if I'm cooler than Rory!
Gwen: Shut up, we're 20 minutes into this episode and John Barrowman hasn't shown his face yet. Everyone's getting restless.
CIA Paper Archives Warehouse (Fire Extinguishers Not Included)
Esther: [Crawls around on the floor, searching boxes willy-nilly, looking for all the world like a Kristin Chenoweth doppelganger.] Hmm, the 456 files are classified? I guess I'll never know what the 456 is, then. There's no way I could ask one of the seven billion people who were around two years ago when every kid on earth was possessed by those aliens that landed in London. Oh, who's this handsome fellow in the WWII greatcoat?
Captain Jack Harkness: [Apparates.]
John Barrowman: [Emotes.]
Classic Torchwood Theme: [Plays.]
Crowd: [Goes wild]
Captain Jack Harkness, verbatim: Come with me.
AfterElton.com readers: We thought you'd never ask.
Esther: [Runs.]
Gunman: [Guns.]
Captain Jack Harkness: [Jumps out of a third story window with Esther, like you do.]
Captain Jack Harkness: Captain Jack Harkness.
Esther: [Swoons.]
AfterElton.com Readers: The lines starts back there, sister.
Exposition Express
Esther: You're handsome-er even than all those photos of you in your file, which, by the way: You look awfully good for a World War I vet.
Captain Jack: Thank you. You haven't even seen me in my suspenders yet. I will show those to you now. Heavens to Gallifrey, I'm bleeding!
Esther: Yeah, we just fell out of a window, dude. Hey, how come people aren't dying? And how come Torchwood isn't on Google anymore? And what is Torchwood? And who is Gwen Cooper? And ... can you think of any other things new viewers need to know?
Captain Jack: People are dying because of aliens probably. And that's what Torchwood does: We're alien catchers. Well, we were alien catchers. Mostly, that just resulted in everyone dying except for me and Gwen, and now she's bored to tears on some radish farm and I'm here retconning you. You're going to pass out and lose your memory in about four seconds. Hope it works better on you than it did on Gwen in the pilot episode.
Zombie Ward Redux
Rex: I will be running this case from my hospital bed.
Captain Jack: There will be plenty of time for me to show you why they call me "Captain" in the next nine episodes. Right now, just rest your wittle head, wittle guy.
Burn victim: [Is charred to a living crisp.]
Captain Jack: Owen Harper, FBI.
Fandom: Awww.
Captain Jack: Chop off his head.
They: Do.
Burn Victim: [Is now charred to a headless living crisp.]
Cardiff
PC Andy Davidson: Do you think I'm still a fan-favorite?
Gwen: Rex isn't threatening your status, that's for sure. What's the deal with my dad?
Andy: He's alive, like everyone.
Gwen: What do you mean?
Andy: Something weird's going on.
Gwen: Oh, thank God. Take me to a rooftop. I need to shine my JackSignal.
Rhys: We've already discussed that your cleavage is on display.
Andy: Death is dead.
Gwen: Sounds like aliens!
Rhys: No, no, no, no, no! NO MORE BLOODY TORCHWOOD! Come on, I'm taking you back to the farm.
Langley
Rex: [Barks commands at Esther from his hospital bed.]
Esther: I woke up this morning with no memory of last night and possibly several cracked ribs, thanks for asking.
Rex: Again, I do not give a shit about you. Or, in fact, anyone who is not me. I am only interested in this Miracle Day thing because I'm a zombie. I'm going to Wales to get Gwen Cooper. Get me a gun.
Heathrow International Airport
Rex: [Gets his gun.]
Kentucky
Oswald Danes: [Gets released from prison.]
Cooper Commune
Rex: [Hops out of his car, brandishing his CIA badge.]
Gwen: [Opens her front door, brandishing a pistol.]
Rhys: [Steps between them, brandishing radish jam.]
Rex: I didn't die and I want to know if that has anything to do with you or Torchwood!
Gwen: I don't care if you die and I'm not telling you shit about Torchwood!
Rhys: I really do think if we could just sit down and share some radish tarts —
Sinister helicopter from earlier: [Fires a missile that everyone simply sidesteps.]
Everyone: [Flees.]
Captain Jack: [Is framed against the Welsh sunset.]
Welsh Tourism Board: Oh, that jawline is even better than the coastline!
Finally! Some action!
Captain Jack: I missed you, Gwen Cooper. I brought you a present from space.
Gwen Cooper: Oh, let it be a rocket launcher!
Captain Jack: It's totally a rocket launcher!
Gwen Cooper: [Is a BAMF.] I missed you, too, Jack.
Rhys: [Eye roll of epic epicness.]
Cardiff City Center
Captain Jack: I'm mortal.
Rhys: Good, I've been wanting to kill you for four series.
Gwen: Now that the old gang is back together again, all we need are weapons! The tower's been rebuilt! I wonder if that pterodactyl is still down there!
Rex: Actually, I'm taking to you to America because Starz picked up most of the tab on this one.
Gwen: You can't do that!
Andy: Actually, yes he can.
Gwen: FAN-FAVORITE STATUS REVOKED!
Captain Jack: Don't worry, guys. I've got dual citizenship. Plus my winning smile works on every planet. Everything's going to be OK. Unless I die. Oh, good God, Rhys, will you stop crying about those damn radishes! America has grocery stores too!
"Torchwood" in Ten Minutes: "Miracle Day" Episode One
читать дальшеEvery Teevee Everywhere
Newscaster: Hello, Torchwood fans! Remember how grossed out so many of you guys were when we last left Captain Jack Harkness because of how he sacrificed his grandson to those aliens? Well, we’re going to kick off this series with something to make you forget that silly little offense. Oswald Danes is about to be executed for raping and murdering a 12-year-old girl. Still not sufficiently disgusted? At his trial he told the jury she should have run faster.
Execution Squad
Executioner: Oswald Danes, would you like to do anything to creep us out more than what that newscaster just exposited?
Oswald Danes: [Lifts his head up and stares at the mother of the child he raped]
Executioner: That’ll do it. AVADA KEDAVRA!
Oswald Danes: Misfired your Unforgivable Curse, bro. That felt like Cruciatus to me. Further proof: I’m totally still alive.
Langley, VA
Esther Drummond: Ever heard of Torchwood?
Random CIA Analyst: Touch wood?
Fandom: [Giggles]
Esther Drummond: No, Torchwood. Rex, are you sure it’s a good idea for you to be talking to me on your cell phone while driving like a maniac in a monsoon?
Rex Matheson: Whatever. There’s a lot to cover in this episode, so let’s just get this out of the way: I’m an asshole. I’m ecstatic because Agent Whatshisface’s wife has leukemia, which means I’m going to get his job. It’ll be almost as almost as awesome as that time I punched a baby in the face on ER.
Steel poles: STFU, dude. Seriously.
Ironic Emergency Room of Ironies
Rex: [Bleeds the way you do when steel poles are poking out of your heart]
Doctors: Crazy how no one has died tonight, right?
Across the Pond
The Welsh coastline: [Is stunning]
Rhys Williams: Not even lesbians could make a commune as charming as this one. I love it here.
Gwen Cooper: It’s been 759 days, 13 hours, and 41 minutes since my hands have felt the sensuous touch of a cold, steel firearm. Sometimes I think of choosing one, any one, out of our weapons stockpile and firing at you, just for giggles.
Rhys: What’s that, darling?
Gwen: Just talking to myself about radishes, like f--king always.
Helicopter: [Circles sinisterly.]
Gwen: Oh, please be someone I can shoot. Please be someone I can shoot.
Rhys: It’s not someone you can shoot.
Once Upon a Time
Gwen: [Feeds radish cereal to her baby.] … another time, there was this sex-crazed alien that was powered by orgasms! It was inhabiting human female bodies and banging everyone in sight. And I do mean everyone. Of course, your mum’s no prude. I made out with her in one of the Torchwood holding cells. I was just reaching for her —
Rhys: You promised no more Torchwood stories!
Intruders: [Knock at the door.]
Gwen: [Air punches. Launches herself at WMD closet.]
Intruders: [Pretend not to be intruders.]
Gwen: [Sulks.]
Back Across the Pond
Dr. Vera Juarez: Are you waiting on Rex Mattheson? Even under anesthesia he doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would have any friends.
Esther: Yeah, I have an inexplicable crush on him. Probably because I haven’t met Captain Jack Harkness yet.
Dr. Vera: I think that is a truth for every person, of every sexual orientation, in every universe, everywhere on the space-time continuum. The good news is that Rex is alive, super alive, like everyone else at every other hospital all over the world. Even Seattle Grace didn’t kill anyone today, and you know what a clusterf--k that place is.
Special Report
Newscasters: Miracle Day, Miracle Day, Miracle Day, Miracle Day, Miracle Day.
Kentucky Prison for Incurably Criminal Monsters
Governor's Assistant: You are going to stay in prison.
Oswald Danes: You obviously have not seen the trailer for this mini-series.
Zombie Ward
Rex: If you thought I was jackass before, wait'll you get a load of me now that my heart's bleeding through my pajamas.
Dr. Vera: Near death experiences usually make people nicer.
Rex: Not me. I am the worst.
More Langley
CIA Analyst: Torchwood isn't Google-able anymore, which is kinda weird, right?
Esther: I wonder if the word still exists on paper.
CIA Analyst: What's ... paper?
CYMRU
Welsh Tourism Board: No, really, this is better than when they filmed in Cardiff.
Rhys: Do you think I'm cooler than Amy Pond's superfluous husband, even though he got to wear a centurion outfit one time?
Gwen: I don't think anyone will even notice you when my cleavage and Welsh accent are out in full force like this.
Emergency phone: [Rings]
Gwen: Yes! Someone's died! We can finally leave this Godforsaken place!
Rhys: Gwen, I asked you if I'm cooler than Rory!
Gwen: Shut up, we're 20 minutes into this episode and John Barrowman hasn't shown his face yet. Everyone's getting restless.
CIA Paper Archives Warehouse (Fire Extinguishers Not Included)
Esther: [Crawls around on the floor, searching boxes willy-nilly, looking for all the world like a Kristin Chenoweth doppelganger.] Hmm, the 456 files are classified? I guess I'll never know what the 456 is, then. There's no way I could ask one of the seven billion people who were around two years ago when every kid on earth was possessed by those aliens that landed in London. Oh, who's this handsome fellow in the WWII greatcoat?
Captain Jack Harkness: [Apparates.]
John Barrowman: [Emotes.]
Classic Torchwood Theme: [Plays.]
Crowd: [Goes wild]
Captain Jack Harkness, verbatim: Come with me.
AfterElton.com readers: We thought you'd never ask.
Esther: [Runs.]
Gunman: [Guns.]
Captain Jack Harkness: [Jumps out of a third story window with Esther, like you do.]
Captain Jack Harkness: Captain Jack Harkness.
Esther: [Swoons.]
AfterElton.com Readers: The lines starts back there, sister.
Exposition Express
Esther: You're handsome-er even than all those photos of you in your file, which, by the way: You look awfully good for a World War I vet.
Captain Jack: Thank you. You haven't even seen me in my suspenders yet. I will show those to you now. Heavens to Gallifrey, I'm bleeding!
Esther: Yeah, we just fell out of a window, dude. Hey, how come people aren't dying? And how come Torchwood isn't on Google anymore? And what is Torchwood? And who is Gwen Cooper? And ... can you think of any other things new viewers need to know?
Captain Jack: People are dying because of aliens probably. And that's what Torchwood does: We're alien catchers. Well, we were alien catchers. Mostly, that just resulted in everyone dying except for me and Gwen, and now she's bored to tears on some radish farm and I'm here retconning you. You're going to pass out and lose your memory in about four seconds. Hope it works better on you than it did on Gwen in the pilot episode.
Zombie Ward Redux
Rex: I will be running this case from my hospital bed.
Captain Jack: There will be plenty of time for me to show you why they call me "Captain" in the next nine episodes. Right now, just rest your wittle head, wittle guy.
Burn victim: [Is charred to a living crisp.]
Captain Jack: Owen Harper, FBI.
Fandom: Awww.
Captain Jack: Chop off his head.
They: Do.
Burn Victim: [Is now charred to a headless living crisp.]
Cardiff
PC Andy Davidson: Do you think I'm still a fan-favorite?
Gwen: Rex isn't threatening your status, that's for sure. What's the deal with my dad?
Andy: He's alive, like everyone.
Gwen: What do you mean?
Andy: Something weird's going on.
Gwen: Oh, thank God. Take me to a rooftop. I need to shine my JackSignal.
Rhys: We've already discussed that your cleavage is on display.
Andy: Death is dead.
Gwen: Sounds like aliens!
Rhys: No, no, no, no, no! NO MORE BLOODY TORCHWOOD! Come on, I'm taking you back to the farm.
Langley
Rex: [Barks commands at Esther from his hospital bed.]
Esther: I woke up this morning with no memory of last night and possibly several cracked ribs, thanks for asking.
Rex: Again, I do not give a shit about you. Or, in fact, anyone who is not me. I am only interested in this Miracle Day thing because I'm a zombie. I'm going to Wales to get Gwen Cooper. Get me a gun.
Heathrow International Airport
Rex: [Gets his gun.]
Kentucky
Oswald Danes: [Gets released from prison.]
Cooper Commune
Rex: [Hops out of his car, brandishing his CIA badge.]
Gwen: [Opens her front door, brandishing a pistol.]
Rhys: [Steps between them, brandishing radish jam.]
Rex: I didn't die and I want to know if that has anything to do with you or Torchwood!
Gwen: I don't care if you die and I'm not telling you shit about Torchwood!
Rhys: I really do think if we could just sit down and share some radish tarts —
Sinister helicopter from earlier: [Fires a missile that everyone simply sidesteps.]
Everyone: [Flees.]
Captain Jack: [Is framed against the Welsh sunset.]
Welsh Tourism Board: Oh, that jawline is even better than the coastline!
Finally! Some action!
Captain Jack: I missed you, Gwen Cooper. I brought you a present from space.
Gwen Cooper: Oh, let it be a rocket launcher!
Captain Jack: It's totally a rocket launcher!
Gwen Cooper: [Is a BAMF.] I missed you, too, Jack.
Rhys: [Eye roll of epic epicness.]
Cardiff City Center
Captain Jack: I'm mortal.
Rhys: Good, I've been wanting to kill you for four series.
Gwen: Now that the old gang is back together again, all we need are weapons! The tower's been rebuilt! I wonder if that pterodactyl is still down there!
Rex: Actually, I'm taking to you to America because Starz picked up most of the tab on this one.
Gwen: You can't do that!
Andy: Actually, yes he can.
Gwen: FAN-FAVORITE STATUS REVOKED!
Captain Jack: Don't worry, guys. I've got dual citizenship. Plus my winning smile works on every planet. Everything's going to be OK. Unless I die. Oh, good God, Rhys, will you stop crying about those damn radishes! America has grocery stores too!
@темы: quotes, actor: john barrowman, ослы-проктологи, fics to read, tv: torchwood, spam
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09.07.2011 в 17:01-
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09.07.2011 в 17:06we're 20 minutes into this episode and John Barrowman hasn't shown his face yet. Everyone's getting restless.
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09.07.2011 в 17:15и это
Captain Jack Harkness, verbatim: Come with me.
AfterElton.com readers: We thought you'd never ask.
Captain Jack: [Is framed against the Welsh sunset.]
Welsh Tourism Board: Oh, that jawline is even better than the coastline!
и Гвен ))
Gwen: Oh, please be someone I can shoot. Please be someone I can shoot.
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09.07.2011 в 17:18как Барроумен однажды сказал, Я рад что вы такиеже больные как и я!
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09.07.2011 в 17:26-
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09.07.2011 в 17:31Captain Jack Harkness, verbatim: Come with me. AfterElton.com readers: We thought you'd never ask. цитата дня
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09.07.2011 в 19:30/Видно, что американцы дали денег на взрывы и большие пушки.
А Джек...какойто худой. Был бы на 10 лет моложе - я бы его слэшила с кем нибудь.
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09.07.2011 в 19:43как ты можеш!!!! ему тока 44! и он тут отлично выгледит, ну честно отлично1 он же так сторался похудеть!!!!
ну так а вообще как тебе? скажи что понравилось, ну скажииииииииииии1 ну интересный же сюжет!
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09.07.2011 в 19:49-
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09.07.2011 в 19:55-
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09.07.2011 в 19:57-
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09.07.2011 в 20:40-
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09.07.2011 в 20:53-
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09.07.2011 в 20:55-
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09.07.2011 в 21:13-
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09.07.2011 в 21:48Captain Jack: [Is framed against the Welsh sunset.]
Welsh Tourism Board: Oh, that jawline is even better than the coastline! -
Captain Jack: I'm mortal.
Rhys: Good, I've been wanting to kill you for four series.
Oh, good God, Rhys, will you stop crying about those damn radishes! America has grocery stores too!
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09.07.2011 в 21:55-
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09.07.2011 в 23:01-
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09.07.2011 в 23:14-
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10.07.2011 в 08:13от создателей Киберженьщины....
не издевайся))))