Nothing about Scott Gill's life is most likely normal
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The Chris Moyles Show
цитаты давние, где-то пол годовые,но я сама скоро буду обновлять.
читать дальшеThink twice before you ruin your child’s life by giving them a wicked name
Chris: You’ve shunned us! You don’t see us as your family or close friends. If I find out that one person goes to that christening that isn’t technically legally family… that’s it, I’m kicking off. (Dominic didn’t invite anyone from the team to his baby-daughter’s christening.)
Dom: The only non-family going are godparents.
Chris: Ok. So why are we not considered as godparents to…ammm…Baby Clang-Clang?
Dom: For that very reason. Because you call her Baby Clang-Clang.
Chris: If you call your daughter a stupid name, how do you expect everybody to remember what it is?
Dom: It’s a lovely name!
Chris: Zanty?
Dom: Xanthe.
Chris: How do you spell that? Most of the people would go Z-a-n-t-h-ee.
Dom: No, you start with X and then one e in the end.
Chris: With an X instead of a Z? It’s ridiculous.
Dom: It’s not ridiculous. It’s Greek.
Chris: Seriously, why would you not consider us for the role of godparents for your daughter?
Carrie (laughing, apparently looking at what Dave is doing/showing): Take a look at Dave!
Dom: Yeah. Exactly. No further questions.
Dave: I think I’d be a good ….godfather.
Chris: You even struggled to say it!
Dom: What would you say in church?
Chris: (pretending he is drunk) No, no, you’re wrong. I think I would be a GOD goodfather.
Dave: I’m very pleased to be here and look after this….child.
Dom: You have to know the name. Someone texted in saying that there is a car that’s got a very similar name. Citro ё n Xanthie or smth like that.
Chris: You could have called her 2CV. 2CV Byrne. (Dom’s not really happy with all that.) It’s not that I’m being personal. Just calm down. I haven’t even started on your first-born, Carpet, yet.
Dom: Not Carpet!!!!
*****
Dom (reading the news report): And some giant ocean sunfish have been spotted off the Cornish coast. They can weigh more than 2 tones apparently, and fish people are getting very excited about it all.
Dave: Who are fish people?
Dom: Well, I don’t mean they are people who are fish, I mean….
Chris: Wow, that would be so cool, wouldn’t it?
Dom: …marine biologists.
Dave: Imagine if you had a fish Prime Minister…
Dom: Tony Blarefish
Chris: Tony Cod)))
Dom: Chancellor Gordon Haddock.
Chris: Fish everywhere. All celebrities…In the world of fish people fish and people equal celebrity. Salmon Cowell (instead of Simon), Chris Marlin from CODplay (is in fact Chris Martin from a band called Coldplay); Ike and Tina Tuna…
Dave: Pike and Tina Turner
Chris: Skate Bush, Skate Winslet
Dom: Mackerel Jackson ))))
*****
Chris: I know that many… ‘cabin crew’ listen to the show. So we can compile a gallery of the best-looking ones. I tell you what – let’s try this out now. If you are a good-looking male or female...
Dom: We’re not sexist, nonono
Chris: If you are a ‘hottie’ cabin crew person, I’d like you to send us a… take a photo of yourself now and you can e-mail it to us from your phone.
Aled: And if you send them in, you’re giving us permission to use them on the web-site.
Chris: That’s right, and if you send them in, you’re giving us permission for me to take them home and then when I pretend… when I play airplanes in my spare room, I… I don’t have a captain’s uniform, I have pyjamas and I’ve got an old policeman helmet…
Dom: Oh, what a horrific image!
****
Chris: Where are you, Samantha?
Samantha: Upstairs, getting my kids ready for school.
Chris: What are their names?
Samantha: Molly and Alfie.
Chris: Wicked names. How old are they?
Samantha: Molly’s 6 and Alfie’s 4. (a child starts crying) Whoops. She’s just slapped him…
Chris: Alfie, Alfie, don’t worry about it. It’s okay. Don’t worry about being hit because in 20 years’ time you can sleep with her best mate.
Samantha: Molly is desperate to talk to you, by the way…
Chris: Ok.
Molly: YOU STINK!
*****
Russian Inventor, or How the British Perceive us
American Inventor is a kind of a show. Like The Weakest Link or Pop Idol, it is popular all over the world. In the studio, there is the author of the British version of American Inventor. The idea was his, and he sold it to some countries in Eastern Europe, including Russia . Here is Chris’s impression of Russian contestants.
Chris: - (with an Italian accent) I have invented a hat! It keeps your head warm in the wind… It is a hat with two holes in, so when you put it over your head as a mask, you can still see where you’re going.
- I have invented freedom and choice
Dave: - …and equality
Chris: - And supermarkets
Dave: - And cars that are not 40 years old))))
*****
Chris: I once went out with a girl. Our relationship wasn’t in a good place. It was quite late at night and she’d been out with some of her girl mates and we were on the phone. I said “Look, you know, I don’t know where this is going, I’ve got a feeling that maybe… you know… maybe…I don’t know. Maybe we want different things. I don’t really know what you’re feeling and I could do with finding out, you know, how you...erm… Hullo?” She’d fallen asleep! She was drunk. I heard her snoring.
****
Chris: We’re all wearing wigs on the radio. And I’m gonna say that the funniest one is Carrie’s. It’s absolutely hilarious! She’s not wearing one))) Dominic looks like a student, Dave looks like he’s in a Swedish or German rock band. He’s got a long blonde wig on.
Rachel: He looks like a bloke out of Lord of the Rings.
Chris: Aled’s got a short blonde wig on. However, you can see his side-burns sticking out underneath. That just looks odd! He looks like the world’s worst drag act! The world’s laziest drag act! Rachel’s got long… is it brown hair?
Rachel: Mhm.
Dom: Rachel looks like Mother Earth.)))
Dave: But the funniest one for me is yours.
Chris: Do you know what I look like? I look like a fat real-life Lego man!
****
Chris: Collectively, we’d make one great boyfriend (Dom + Dave + Chris). What would you look for in a man?
Dave: Collectively, we must have all the qualities between us.
Chris: Yeah, exactly.
Carrie: Nice eyes.
Chris: I think we’ve all got nice eyes. Alright. Eyes: check. Next.
Carrie: Sporty as a bonus.
Chris: Dominic and Dave. I’m out of it… I’ve got nice eyes.
Carrie: Right. Emmmm… Nice bump.
Chris: That’s me.
Dom: We’ve all got good bumps, I think.
Carrie: I find hair helps.
Chris: I have hair!
Dave: I’ve got hair on my feet even!
Carrie: Lovely
Dom (who is bald): I’ve got eyes)))
Chris: What else do you need?
Carrie: funny
Chris: I am funny. I’ve won awards for being funny. What else? Bravery. Strong man. That’s me! What else do you need on your list of what you look for in a man?
Dom: Ability to moonwalk? Watch this! (he must have shown something very funny judging by how the team reacted)
Chris: What else do you need???
Carrie: Well…yeah.
*****
Chris: All right. We’re talking about achievable goals. I want everybody now on the show to choose an achievable goal and pledge to the Hamilton that they will do this. Mine is I will do some exercise this week.
Mark Hamilton: OK. Could you be more specific?
Chris: I will walk
Mark Hamilton: How far?
Chris: I will walk…what, in total?
Dave: You should do 10 miles this week.
Chris: WHAT? 10 miles? It’s ridiculous. It’s not achievable.
Dave: Yes, it is.
Chris: No, it’s not! At the moment I walk no miles a week.
Dave: That’s two and a half trips home…and back.
Chris: Five miles. And do you know what? I might run. That would be the extra. Mark Hamilton: Rachel?
Rachel: I pledge that I will be going to the gym four times this week.
Chris: You have to do stuff in the gym. You can’t just go, have a coffee, meet your friend and then leave. (have a coffee in the gym!!!!)))
Rachel: I will do stuff there.
Chris: Dave?
Dave: I pledge to carry on my regime which is going very well so far. It’s been a very very healthy week. I’ve totally changed around my diet…
Chris: What did you do yesterday?
Dave: It was a day of sport yesterday. It was Wiggin, Wesbrom and Chelsea and then the darts fight.
Chris: So you sat on the couch all day long yesterday.
Dave: I was in the pub. On a stool.)))))))
Chris: There you go. Dominic, what about you?
Dom: I pledge to eat less bread and increase my intake of fruit.
Chris: So not believable! Made up on the spot, right?.. Carrie?
Carrie: I’m gonna try and do a week not drinking every day.
Chris: So you’re gonna have a week off drink.
Carrie: No, not completely. Just gonna try and not drink every day this week. Because that’s an achievable goal.
Chris: So how many days off in a row?
Carrie: One.
Chris: Two. Three?
Carrie: I might go for tomorrow and Wednesday. I can’t tonight – I’m having dinner, but…
Chris: What do you mean? You don’t have to drink tonight. Why don’t you set that as your.. and see if you can get through tonight without drinking?
Carrie: All right then. Fine.
Chris: No, I know you said ‘all right’, but you have to DO it!
*****
Chris is offered to climb Mount Kilimanjaro (19.5 thousand feet) for charity.
We went and had like a fitness assessment. And this fella, this expert comes out and does a speech to us and the first thing he says is: ‘A third of the people who attempt it, don’t finish’. And I’m looking around the room going: “Well, that’s me and somebody else!” You can get really sick when you’re up there. You can get altitude sickness…and he starts going into how dangerous it is. I’m like: ‘Oh…I don’t wanna do it.’ I’m trying to get out of it.
Rachel: No! I’m not gonna let you get out of this one.
Chris: The only thing I’m looking forward to is…listen to this line-up of women: Alicia Dixon, Denise Von Outen, Kimberly, Sheryl from Girls Aloud and Fern Conn. Right? Five women up a mountain for a week. They have nowhere to go, Rachel, nowhere to hide. If I don’t cop off with one of them…
Dom: It’s not all about copping off…
Chris: Where can they go? This is my chance! This is my chance to finally… FINALLY nail it with Fearne Cotton.
Carrie reads a message which says that it’s really difficult to climb a mountain. This gets Chris back to the mood he was in.
I can’t do it!!! I’ll have a go, but…I’ve gotta get out of it. How is me putting my life in danger helping starving kids? Two years ago we did a Karaoke tour. I can do that.
Rachel: Well, you could sing with Gary (Gary Barlow from Take That) and Sheryl and Kimberly all the way up.
Chris: What a nightmare!
Carrie: You’ll love it! Honestly. It’ll be one of the best things you’ve ever done!
Chris: I won’t be able to do it.
Rachel: You will!! Believe! It’s all about positive mental attitude!
Chris: No, it’s not! It’s about not being overweight…(he says the next things with a very funny Chinese-like accent, like in a Kung-Fu movie) I don’t want to do it! This is not a joke! I don’t want to do it. I’m scared and I don’t want to do it because I don’t want to DIE!!!!
****
Chris: Carrie has just put me off on the horse thing. You’re obsessed with horses, love. Just because you’re rich and you can afford them. Do you know what I mean? I was poor when I was a kid. To me, they were just big hamburgers on legs.
*****
Chris: And of course, if you have a girl like Dominic’s had a girl, you get to the age when boys start knocking on the door… (makes a knocking sound). And Dominic answers with a shotgun: (in a threatening voice) “WHAT?”– “Nothing, I have the wrong house, Mr. B-B-B-B-B-B-Byrne!”
Dom: She’s gonna be a nun. I have to worry about that.
Rachel: Will you allow her to wear make-up?
Dom: Well, it depends on… if she’s 21, sure.
*****
Chris: Dave and I have worked together for ten years, and… I get a casual text on Saturday afternoon: “Oh, by the way, keep next year free. I’m getting married. Bye.”
Dave: I do it properly, you know… Baby, divorce, marriage.))) Do you know what? It’s funny… I got a funny text back to that thing: “Oh! Congratulations! Great news. I love your weddings!”))))))
Chris: I don’t know if I’ll go… I’ve been before to your weddings. It’s like watching the same movie twice… You know, I’ll be able to predict which of your friends might get drunk and make an arse of themselves…
Rachel: Hello!)))
Chris: Not you.
*****
Dom : What were you cooking last night?
Chris: Burgers.
Dave: You went to the supermarket, got the ingredients…
Chris: Rachel and I yesterday went to the supermarket.
Rachel: It was such an experience! I love shopping with you! It was brilliant. Chris: Well, guess what, Rachel…
Rachel: Are we doing it again today?
Chris: (takes out a piece of paper) Here are today’s ingredients. Oh, remind me as well that I need a toilet roll… (addressing the team) So what am I cooking? (reads out his shopping list) fresh green chili…
Rachel: Curry
Chris: Shut up you! Yes, curry. Thanks a lot. You ruined the bloody game.
Rachel: Oh, but you didn’t say what kind of curry. Keep going.
Chris: I’ll make it a lamp-post and swan curry. That’s what I’m doing.
Dom: Talking of birds. We had a bird death in our garden yesterday.
Chris: Bring it in, and we can make a curry!
Dom: I was in the toilet… I was having a wee with the door open, and there’s a mirror in front of where I have a wee. A bird flew into the toilet window. You could see the mark where it hit and everything… It was a woodpecker!
The girls: Oh no!
Dom: It looked at the mirror and saw the reflection of the garden. It thought it was flying straight through trees, but it wasn’t… Carrie: You need to move that mirror, don’t you? (Learn the lesson, boys and girls. Having a wee with the toilet door open can kill…)
Dave: I put nuts in my salad yesterday.
Chris: Wow! Bly me. What have I told you, Dave? You need some new underpants…
****
Chris: I get elbowed in the ribs at least three times a week.
Dave: I get elbowed three times a night. For snoring.
Chris: The only time my girlfriend shouts my name out in bed is when I’m snoring too loudly or blocking the TV.
****
Chris: Let’s come up with a Maths question, such as, Rachel, what is the next number in the sequence: 1, 2, 3, 4, blank, 6.
Rachel: Do you want me to give you the answer?
Chris: Yeah.
Rachel: five.
Chris: No, it was 11. Because these are the numbers that I’ve written down in front of me. Well done!
Dave: Does it have to be a Maths one or could it just be a sequence generally? It could be a sequence based upon letters.
Chris: No, it has to be numbers.
Dave: Why?
Chris: Because we… because it’s a Maths question, you pillock. What’s yours, Dominic?
Dom: Ok. Complete the sequence. 13, 1, 15, 3, 17… What’s the next one? Chris: 5.
Dom: Why so?
Chris: You’re going 13, and then leapfrog plus two is 15, 15 leapfrog + 2 is 17, and then 1 leapfrog + 2 is 3, + 2 leapfrog is 5.
Dom: That’s not what I meant. 13 in a 24-hour clock is 1 o’clock, 15 is three o’clock and 17 is 5.
Chris: Ok. Finish this sequence. Everybody write this down. Ready? 7, 7, 2, 0, 4, 3…
Dave: Is the next one 5?
Chris: (laughing) Yeah. Dominic, just look at those numbers again and tell me if I should keep going.
Dom: I’ve got no idea what it is… (starts laughing) That’s my mobile phone number. Yeah, stop now.
Dave: I’ve got a numerical letter order sequence quiz for you. Complete the next letter. A, S, D, F…
Dom: A numerical letter quiz… how does THAT work???
Dave: This one’s a good one, isn’t it? It’s a mind-bender.))))
Aled: I know
Dom: I know.
Rachel: I don’t care.
Chris: What is that, Al? Just tell us.
Aled: keyboard
Chris: Oh, is that what it is?
Dave: Yeah. The next one is G, then H, J, K, L and so on.
****
Chris: So, any day now Dave’s going to be a dad!
Dave: It’s all very exciting. We’re now as prepared as we can be with all the equipment and stuff. Nursery’s done.
Chris: Really?
Dave: Yeah.
Rachel: What colour?
Dave: Kinda like a cream colour.
Chris: Generic…
Dave: Because we don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl.
Chris: I told you. It’s a boy.
Dave: Yeah. Some people say that… I personally think it’s a girl, but, you know, one of us’s gonna be right.
Chris: I told you. You’re wrong. And it’s triplets.
Rachel: Should we do a sweepstake?
Dave: We could do a sweepie on if it’s a boy or a girl.
Rachel: Let’s do boy/girl, weight, date…
Chris: Can I put money on the worst swear word Jane calls you right in the middle of giving birth?.. You’re not going to be there though, are you?
Dave: Yeah.
Chris: Why?
Dave: It’s a modern thing to do.
Chris: Screw that. I don’t think you should be there at the birth of your child. You should be outside in the waiting room drinking coffee. Or playing golf……. Well, good luck, Dave.
Dave: Thank you very much.
Chris: I’ll be right behind you. Ten miles behind you, in the nearest boozer.
*****
Chris: Yesterday we had a brainstorming meeting, so we went to one of our favourite pubs to get something to eat, and then I was So tired! Dave had Nicole, because Jane, mummy, was off, drinking something with tramps…
Dave: It was a work meeting.
Chris: That’s what it was, yeah. So Dave had his lovely daughter Nicole. She was all lovely and happy and giggly and stuff. So Dave says: “Hey, cancel your car. I’ll drop you home! I need to kill a bit of time, so we’ll come and hang at yours.” I said “ammm…yeah. Ok. Yeah, great.” I missed my sleep (which he had planned), but that would be nice hanging with Dave and his lovely daughter. So me and Dave in the car, she’s in the back seat talking to herself (imitates her)…Anyway, we get to ours, and he gets around the car walking to my flat and I’m walking behind and she’s looking at me going blablabla (here he imitates a baby). Lovely. We get inside, and she loves my flat because it’s all new, and she’s crawling around on her hands and knees. She’s never seen all those things before and I’m kinda picking her up with my foot and it’s tickling her, and she’s giggling and everything like that… That lasted for about 25 minutes, till it suddenly stopped, and then for the next 40 minutes all she did was scream. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…. AAAAAAAAAAAAA”, - she goes like this. “Umm, are you hungry?” – “AAAAAAAAA” - “Dave, make it stop.” – “AAAAAAAAAAAAA” – “Dave!” – “AAAAAAAAAAAAA” – “I don’t know how.” – “AAAAAAAAAAAA”… Babies are RUBBISH!!!! Your i-pod… does it ever scream? No. Does it ever need feeding? No. “AAAAAAAAAAAA” And I’m like that: “Hey, Nicole, stop crying”. She goes: “A……..”, looks at me with her big eyes, and then she looks back and goes “AAAAAAAAAAAAAA” (shouting) They just keep going! They don’t stop, there’s no switch, you can’t unplug them! Then mum turns up, and she goes “A….Oh, mum.”
Dave: She was fine then, wasn’t she?
Chris: Yeah, that’s weird. I think she hates you.
****
Rach’s got a new mobile and she wants to download the podcast onto it
Rachel: Do you know what I’m going to do for the first time this week?
Chris: Ok, there you go now…This is a great guessing game (Chris sounds far from being enthusiastic, though)
Dave: Are you going to develop a new irrigation system in your country garden? Rachel: No. Because I live in a one-bedroom flat. But I have got a new phone! And I’m going to download something for the first time onto it today.
Chris: Porn!!
***
есть еще, но я знаю что МНОГО букав, некто читать не будет, а следовало бы.
The Chris Moyles Show
цитаты давние, где-то пол годовые,но я сама скоро буду обновлять.
читать дальшеThink twice before you ruin your child’s life by giving them a wicked name
Chris: You’ve shunned us! You don’t see us as your family or close friends. If I find out that one person goes to that christening that isn’t technically legally family… that’s it, I’m kicking off. (Dominic didn’t invite anyone from the team to his baby-daughter’s christening.)
Dom: The only non-family going are godparents.
Chris: Ok. So why are we not considered as godparents to…ammm…Baby Clang-Clang?
Dom: For that very reason. Because you call her Baby Clang-Clang.
Chris: If you call your daughter a stupid name, how do you expect everybody to remember what it is?
Dom: It’s a lovely name!
Chris: Zanty?
Dom: Xanthe.
Chris: How do you spell that? Most of the people would go Z-a-n-t-h-ee.
Dom: No, you start with X and then one e in the end.
Chris: With an X instead of a Z? It’s ridiculous.
Dom: It’s not ridiculous. It’s Greek.
Chris: Seriously, why would you not consider us for the role of godparents for your daughter?
Carrie (laughing, apparently looking at what Dave is doing/showing): Take a look at Dave!
Dom: Yeah. Exactly. No further questions.
Dave: I think I’d be a good ….godfather.
Chris: You even struggled to say it!
Dom: What would you say in church?
Chris: (pretending he is drunk) No, no, you’re wrong. I think I would be a GOD goodfather.
Dave: I’m very pleased to be here and look after this….child.
Dom: You have to know the name. Someone texted in saying that there is a car that’s got a very similar name. Citro ё n Xanthie or smth like that.
Chris: You could have called her 2CV. 2CV Byrne. (Dom’s not really happy with all that.) It’s not that I’m being personal. Just calm down. I haven’t even started on your first-born, Carpet, yet.
Dom: Not Carpet!!!!
*****
Dom (reading the news report): And some giant ocean sunfish have been spotted off the Cornish coast. They can weigh more than 2 tones apparently, and fish people are getting very excited about it all.
Dave: Who are fish people?
Dom: Well, I don’t mean they are people who are fish, I mean….
Chris: Wow, that would be so cool, wouldn’t it?
Dom: …marine biologists.
Dave: Imagine if you had a fish Prime Minister…
Dom: Tony Blarefish
Chris: Tony Cod)))
Dom: Chancellor Gordon Haddock.
Chris: Fish everywhere. All celebrities…In the world of fish people fish and people equal celebrity. Salmon Cowell (instead of Simon), Chris Marlin from CODplay (is in fact Chris Martin from a band called Coldplay); Ike and Tina Tuna…
Dave: Pike and Tina Turner
Chris: Skate Bush, Skate Winslet
Dom: Mackerel Jackson ))))
*****
Chris: I know that many… ‘cabin crew’ listen to the show. So we can compile a gallery of the best-looking ones. I tell you what – let’s try this out now. If you are a good-looking male or female...
Dom: We’re not sexist, nonono
Chris: If you are a ‘hottie’ cabin crew person, I’d like you to send us a… take a photo of yourself now and you can e-mail it to us from your phone.
Aled: And if you send them in, you’re giving us permission to use them on the web-site.
Chris: That’s right, and if you send them in, you’re giving us permission for me to take them home and then when I pretend… when I play airplanes in my spare room, I… I don’t have a captain’s uniform, I have pyjamas and I’ve got an old policeman helmet…
Dom: Oh, what a horrific image!
****
Chris: Where are you, Samantha?
Samantha: Upstairs, getting my kids ready for school.
Chris: What are their names?
Samantha: Molly and Alfie.
Chris: Wicked names. How old are they?
Samantha: Molly’s 6 and Alfie’s 4. (a child starts crying) Whoops. She’s just slapped him…
Chris: Alfie, Alfie, don’t worry about it. It’s okay. Don’t worry about being hit because in 20 years’ time you can sleep with her best mate.
Samantha: Molly is desperate to talk to you, by the way…
Chris: Ok.
Molly: YOU STINK!
*****
Russian Inventor, or How the British Perceive us
American Inventor is a kind of a show. Like The Weakest Link or Pop Idol, it is popular all over the world. In the studio, there is the author of the British version of American Inventor. The idea was his, and he sold it to some countries in Eastern Europe, including Russia . Here is Chris’s impression of Russian contestants.
Chris: - (with an Italian accent) I have invented a hat! It keeps your head warm in the wind… It is a hat with two holes in, so when you put it over your head as a mask, you can still see where you’re going.
- I have invented freedom and choice
Dave: - …and equality
Chris: - And supermarkets
Dave: - And cars that are not 40 years old))))
*****
Chris: I once went out with a girl. Our relationship wasn’t in a good place. It was quite late at night and she’d been out with some of her girl mates and we were on the phone. I said “Look, you know, I don’t know where this is going, I’ve got a feeling that maybe… you know… maybe…I don’t know. Maybe we want different things. I don’t really know what you’re feeling and I could do with finding out, you know, how you...erm… Hullo?” She’d fallen asleep! She was drunk. I heard her snoring.
****
Chris: We’re all wearing wigs on the radio. And I’m gonna say that the funniest one is Carrie’s. It’s absolutely hilarious! She’s not wearing one))) Dominic looks like a student, Dave looks like he’s in a Swedish or German rock band. He’s got a long blonde wig on.
Rachel: He looks like a bloke out of Lord of the Rings.
Chris: Aled’s got a short blonde wig on. However, you can see his side-burns sticking out underneath. That just looks odd! He looks like the world’s worst drag act! The world’s laziest drag act! Rachel’s got long… is it brown hair?
Rachel: Mhm.
Dom: Rachel looks like Mother Earth.)))
Dave: But the funniest one for me is yours.
Chris: Do you know what I look like? I look like a fat real-life Lego man!
****
Chris: Collectively, we’d make one great boyfriend (Dom + Dave + Chris). What would you look for in a man?
Dave: Collectively, we must have all the qualities between us.
Chris: Yeah, exactly.
Carrie: Nice eyes.
Chris: I think we’ve all got nice eyes. Alright. Eyes: check. Next.
Carrie: Sporty as a bonus.
Chris: Dominic and Dave. I’m out of it… I’ve got nice eyes.
Carrie: Right. Emmmm… Nice bump.
Chris: That’s me.
Dom: We’ve all got good bumps, I think.
Carrie: I find hair helps.
Chris: I have hair!
Dave: I’ve got hair on my feet even!
Carrie: Lovely
Dom (who is bald): I’ve got eyes)))
Chris: What else do you need?
Carrie: funny
Chris: I am funny. I’ve won awards for being funny. What else? Bravery. Strong man. That’s me! What else do you need on your list of what you look for in a man?
Dom: Ability to moonwalk? Watch this! (he must have shown something very funny judging by how the team reacted)
Chris: What else do you need???
Carrie: Well…yeah.
*****
Chris: All right. We’re talking about achievable goals. I want everybody now on the show to choose an achievable goal and pledge to the Hamilton that they will do this. Mine is I will do some exercise this week.
Mark Hamilton: OK. Could you be more specific?
Chris: I will walk
Mark Hamilton: How far?
Chris: I will walk…what, in total?
Dave: You should do 10 miles this week.
Chris: WHAT? 10 miles? It’s ridiculous. It’s not achievable.
Dave: Yes, it is.
Chris: No, it’s not! At the moment I walk no miles a week.
Dave: That’s two and a half trips home…and back.
Chris: Five miles. And do you know what? I might run. That would be the extra. Mark Hamilton: Rachel?
Rachel: I pledge that I will be going to the gym four times this week.
Chris: You have to do stuff in the gym. You can’t just go, have a coffee, meet your friend and then leave. (have a coffee in the gym!!!!)))
Rachel: I will do stuff there.
Chris: Dave?
Dave: I pledge to carry on my regime which is going very well so far. It’s been a very very healthy week. I’ve totally changed around my diet…
Chris: What did you do yesterday?
Dave: It was a day of sport yesterday. It was Wiggin, Wesbrom and Chelsea and then the darts fight.
Chris: So you sat on the couch all day long yesterday.
Dave: I was in the pub. On a stool.)))))))
Chris: There you go. Dominic, what about you?
Dom: I pledge to eat less bread and increase my intake of fruit.
Chris: So not believable! Made up on the spot, right?.. Carrie?
Carrie: I’m gonna try and do a week not drinking every day.
Chris: So you’re gonna have a week off drink.
Carrie: No, not completely. Just gonna try and not drink every day this week. Because that’s an achievable goal.
Chris: So how many days off in a row?
Carrie: One.
Chris: Two. Three?
Carrie: I might go for tomorrow and Wednesday. I can’t tonight – I’m having dinner, but…
Chris: What do you mean? You don’t have to drink tonight. Why don’t you set that as your.. and see if you can get through tonight without drinking?
Carrie: All right then. Fine.
Chris: No, I know you said ‘all right’, but you have to DO it!
*****
Chris is offered to climb Mount Kilimanjaro (19.5 thousand feet) for charity.
We went and had like a fitness assessment. And this fella, this expert comes out and does a speech to us and the first thing he says is: ‘A third of the people who attempt it, don’t finish’. And I’m looking around the room going: “Well, that’s me and somebody else!” You can get really sick when you’re up there. You can get altitude sickness…and he starts going into how dangerous it is. I’m like: ‘Oh…I don’t wanna do it.’ I’m trying to get out of it.
Rachel: No! I’m not gonna let you get out of this one.
Chris: The only thing I’m looking forward to is…listen to this line-up of women: Alicia Dixon, Denise Von Outen, Kimberly, Sheryl from Girls Aloud and Fern Conn. Right? Five women up a mountain for a week. They have nowhere to go, Rachel, nowhere to hide. If I don’t cop off with one of them…
Dom: It’s not all about copping off…
Chris: Where can they go? This is my chance! This is my chance to finally… FINALLY nail it with Fearne Cotton.
Carrie reads a message which says that it’s really difficult to climb a mountain. This gets Chris back to the mood he was in.
I can’t do it!!! I’ll have a go, but…I’ve gotta get out of it. How is me putting my life in danger helping starving kids? Two years ago we did a Karaoke tour. I can do that.
Rachel: Well, you could sing with Gary (Gary Barlow from Take That) and Sheryl and Kimberly all the way up.
Chris: What a nightmare!
Carrie: You’ll love it! Honestly. It’ll be one of the best things you’ve ever done!
Chris: I won’t be able to do it.
Rachel: You will!! Believe! It’s all about positive mental attitude!
Chris: No, it’s not! It’s about not being overweight…(he says the next things with a very funny Chinese-like accent, like in a Kung-Fu movie) I don’t want to do it! This is not a joke! I don’t want to do it. I’m scared and I don’t want to do it because I don’t want to DIE!!!!
****
Chris: Carrie has just put me off on the horse thing. You’re obsessed with horses, love. Just because you’re rich and you can afford them. Do you know what I mean? I was poor when I was a kid. To me, they were just big hamburgers on legs.
*****
Chris: And of course, if you have a girl like Dominic’s had a girl, you get to the age when boys start knocking on the door… (makes a knocking sound). And Dominic answers with a shotgun: (in a threatening voice) “WHAT?”– “Nothing, I have the wrong house, Mr. B-B-B-B-B-B-Byrne!”
Dom: She’s gonna be a nun. I have to worry about that.
Rachel: Will you allow her to wear make-up?
Dom: Well, it depends on… if she’s 21, sure.
*****
Chris: Dave and I have worked together for ten years, and… I get a casual text on Saturday afternoon: “Oh, by the way, keep next year free. I’m getting married. Bye.”
Dave: I do it properly, you know… Baby, divorce, marriage.))) Do you know what? It’s funny… I got a funny text back to that thing: “Oh! Congratulations! Great news. I love your weddings!”))))))
Chris: I don’t know if I’ll go… I’ve been before to your weddings. It’s like watching the same movie twice… You know, I’ll be able to predict which of your friends might get drunk and make an arse of themselves…
Rachel: Hello!)))
Chris: Not you.
*****
Dom : What were you cooking last night?
Chris: Burgers.
Dave: You went to the supermarket, got the ingredients…
Chris: Rachel and I yesterday went to the supermarket.
Rachel: It was such an experience! I love shopping with you! It was brilliant. Chris: Well, guess what, Rachel…
Rachel: Are we doing it again today?
Chris: (takes out a piece of paper) Here are today’s ingredients. Oh, remind me as well that I need a toilet roll… (addressing the team) So what am I cooking? (reads out his shopping list) fresh green chili…
Rachel: Curry
Chris: Shut up you! Yes, curry. Thanks a lot. You ruined the bloody game.
Rachel: Oh, but you didn’t say what kind of curry. Keep going.
Chris: I’ll make it a lamp-post and swan curry. That’s what I’m doing.
Dom: Talking of birds. We had a bird death in our garden yesterday.
Chris: Bring it in, and we can make a curry!
Dom: I was in the toilet… I was having a wee with the door open, and there’s a mirror in front of where I have a wee. A bird flew into the toilet window. You could see the mark where it hit and everything… It was a woodpecker!
The girls: Oh no!
Dom: It looked at the mirror and saw the reflection of the garden. It thought it was flying straight through trees, but it wasn’t… Carrie: You need to move that mirror, don’t you? (Learn the lesson, boys and girls. Having a wee with the toilet door open can kill…)
Dave: I put nuts in my salad yesterday.
Chris: Wow! Bly me. What have I told you, Dave? You need some new underpants…
****
Chris: I get elbowed in the ribs at least three times a week.
Dave: I get elbowed three times a night. For snoring.
Chris: The only time my girlfriend shouts my name out in bed is when I’m snoring too loudly or blocking the TV.
****
Chris: Let’s come up with a Maths question, such as, Rachel, what is the next number in the sequence: 1, 2, 3, 4, blank, 6.
Rachel: Do you want me to give you the answer?
Chris: Yeah.
Rachel: five.
Chris: No, it was 11. Because these are the numbers that I’ve written down in front of me. Well done!
Dave: Does it have to be a Maths one or could it just be a sequence generally? It could be a sequence based upon letters.
Chris: No, it has to be numbers.
Dave: Why?
Chris: Because we… because it’s a Maths question, you pillock. What’s yours, Dominic?
Dom: Ok. Complete the sequence. 13, 1, 15, 3, 17… What’s the next one? Chris: 5.
Dom: Why so?
Chris: You’re going 13, and then leapfrog plus two is 15, 15 leapfrog + 2 is 17, and then 1 leapfrog + 2 is 3, + 2 leapfrog is 5.
Dom: That’s not what I meant. 13 in a 24-hour clock is 1 o’clock, 15 is three o’clock and 17 is 5.
Chris: Ok. Finish this sequence. Everybody write this down. Ready? 7, 7, 2, 0, 4, 3…
Dave: Is the next one 5?
Chris: (laughing) Yeah. Dominic, just look at those numbers again and tell me if I should keep going.
Dom: I’ve got no idea what it is… (starts laughing) That’s my mobile phone number. Yeah, stop now.
Dave: I’ve got a numerical letter order sequence quiz for you. Complete the next letter. A, S, D, F…
Dom: A numerical letter quiz… how does THAT work???
Dave: This one’s a good one, isn’t it? It’s a mind-bender.))))
Aled: I know
Dom: I know.
Rachel: I don’t care.
Chris: What is that, Al? Just tell us.
Aled: keyboard
Chris: Oh, is that what it is?
Dave: Yeah. The next one is G, then H, J, K, L and so on.
****
Chris: So, any day now Dave’s going to be a dad!
Dave: It’s all very exciting. We’re now as prepared as we can be with all the equipment and stuff. Nursery’s done.
Chris: Really?
Dave: Yeah.
Rachel: What colour?
Dave: Kinda like a cream colour.
Chris: Generic…
Dave: Because we don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl.
Chris: I told you. It’s a boy.
Dave: Yeah. Some people say that… I personally think it’s a girl, but, you know, one of us’s gonna be right.
Chris: I told you. You’re wrong. And it’s triplets.
Rachel: Should we do a sweepstake?
Dave: We could do a sweepie on if it’s a boy or a girl.
Rachel: Let’s do boy/girl, weight, date…
Chris: Can I put money on the worst swear word Jane calls you right in the middle of giving birth?.. You’re not going to be there though, are you?
Dave: Yeah.
Chris: Why?
Dave: It’s a modern thing to do.
Chris: Screw that. I don’t think you should be there at the birth of your child. You should be outside in the waiting room drinking coffee. Or playing golf……. Well, good luck, Dave.
Dave: Thank you very much.
Chris: I’ll be right behind you. Ten miles behind you, in the nearest boozer.
*****
Chris: Yesterday we had a brainstorming meeting, so we went to one of our favourite pubs to get something to eat, and then I was So tired! Dave had Nicole, because Jane, mummy, was off, drinking something with tramps…
Dave: It was a work meeting.
Chris: That’s what it was, yeah. So Dave had his lovely daughter Nicole. She was all lovely and happy and giggly and stuff. So Dave says: “Hey, cancel your car. I’ll drop you home! I need to kill a bit of time, so we’ll come and hang at yours.” I said “ammm…yeah. Ok. Yeah, great.” I missed my sleep (which he had planned), but that would be nice hanging with Dave and his lovely daughter. So me and Dave in the car, she’s in the back seat talking to herself (imitates her)…Anyway, we get to ours, and he gets around the car walking to my flat and I’m walking behind and she’s looking at me going blablabla (here he imitates a baby). Lovely. We get inside, and she loves my flat because it’s all new, and she’s crawling around on her hands and knees. She’s never seen all those things before and I’m kinda picking her up with my foot and it’s tickling her, and she’s giggling and everything like that… That lasted for about 25 minutes, till it suddenly stopped, and then for the next 40 minutes all she did was scream. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…. AAAAAAAAAAAAA”, - she goes like this. “Umm, are you hungry?” – “AAAAAAAAA” - “Dave, make it stop.” – “AAAAAAAAAAAAA” – “Dave!” – “AAAAAAAAAAAAA” – “I don’t know how.” – “AAAAAAAAAAAA”… Babies are RUBBISH!!!! Your i-pod… does it ever scream? No. Does it ever need feeding? No. “AAAAAAAAAAAA” And I’m like that: “Hey, Nicole, stop crying”. She goes: “A……..”, looks at me with her big eyes, and then she looks back and goes “AAAAAAAAAAAAAA” (shouting) They just keep going! They don’t stop, there’s no switch, you can’t unplug them! Then mum turns up, and she goes “A….Oh, mum.”
Dave: She was fine then, wasn’t she?
Chris: Yeah, that’s weird. I think she hates you.
****
Rach’s got a new mobile and she wants to download the podcast onto it
Rachel: Do you know what I’m going to do for the first time this week?
Chris: Ok, there you go now…This is a great guessing game (Chris sounds far from being enthusiastic, though)
Dave: Are you going to develop a new irrigation system in your country garden? Rachel: No. Because I live in a one-bedroom flat. But I have got a new phone! And I’m going to download something for the first time onto it today.
Chris: Porn!!
***
есть еще, но я знаю что МНОГО букав, некто читать не будет, а следовало бы.
@темы: quotes, the chris moyles is awesome, они опять обижают алада
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26.03.2010 в 17:46правда пока осилила только половину, действительно много букв
А с Джоном цитатки?
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26.03.2010 в 18:15-
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26.03.2010 в 18:27-
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26.03.2010 в 19:10На радио7 по утрам ребята похоже себя ведут... по крайней мере, раскованно, не пошло и весело. Мы на работе слушаем. Когда один там (ещё в январе) зачитывал новость о том, что скоро-де выйдет на экраны "Алиса" Бёртона, закончил он следующей фразой:
- Но этого чудесного события нам с вами ждать аж до 4 марта, и ведь ещё неизвестно, когда оно наступит.
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19.01.2011 в 14:43Babies are RUBBISH!!!!
Chris: Ok. Finish this sequence. Everybody write this down. Ready? 7, 7, 2, 0, 4, 3…
интересно, я была единственной, кто в этом месте оторвался от чтения и попробовал самостоятельно вычислить следующую цифру? ржала в голос, когда, измучившись, продолжила читать и увидела:
That’s my mobile phone number.
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19.01.2011 в 14:59-
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19.01.2011 в 15:20я нашла ссылку на их канал и залипла там намертво
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19.01.2011 в 15:36